Me too!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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