Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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