oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
