I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
