I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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