I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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