I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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