Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
