Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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