Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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