he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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