I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
