tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
