i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
