So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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