you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
