glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
