dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
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Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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