i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
