Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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