do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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