yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
