I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
