Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
