My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
