where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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