i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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