you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Drake has all the answers
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
