It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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