Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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