Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize