You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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