I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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