That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize