i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
