what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
