You really coming over, don't trick.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
