Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
