Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
