I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Will exercising make me less horny?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
