you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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