my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
