Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
