I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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