i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
