if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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