Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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