He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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