Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
