He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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