Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
