I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
