i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
