My sheets look like a crime scene.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
