her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize