i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
