Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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