hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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