Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
