If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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