I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
