oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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