tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
