The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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