this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
